Tits Tuesday: Dear Cosmo

Dear Cosmopolitan Magazine,
Why do your sex tips suck so bad? Do you entice 17 year old aspiring journalist virgins to write them in hopes of maybe landing a job and becoming The Next Carrie Bradshaw? I mean, I don’t get it… I remember being inexperienced and buying your mag and thinking “Hot damn! I’m gonna learn some ground breaking, earth shaking, mind-blowing kinda shit!” Then, I’d just wish I’d have bought that extra bottle of nail polish or bag of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups instead.

How is it that every month on the cover with some untalented skank (Gaga excluded) you re-hash “THE 20 BEST SEX TIPS EVER!!!” and I just look at it and laugh to myself? The last time I bought a copy was when Lady Gaga was on the cover…and THAT was my motivation. Even the article that a “certified sex-educator” writes is super fucking lame. The questions being asked and topics discussed are issues I feel like my friends and I would have discussed ten years ago.

It all makes sense! The majority of your readership is between the ages of 18-24! HAH! I am not in this demographic anymore, but even when I was I still scoffed at your mag (However at 16-19 I was really into feminist politics…’nuff said) So, I guess when teen girls are done reading the Why Me’s? of Seventeen, Teen, etc. they graduate to Cosmo? So unfortunate that all these young minds are having their brains filled with your vanilla sex and relationship tips!

From: www.pussycatpinups.com

Instead of marketing: “THE BEST SEX TIPS!!” And “WHAT DO GUYS WANT IN BED!?” you should consider marketing: “GET WHAT YOU WANT IN BED!” Let’s face it…half these girls have never had an orgasm; and if they say they “think” they’ve had one…they haven’t. When it comes down to it sex is all about communicating your specific wants and needs to your partner. So, your bf/fuck buddy/flavor of the day loses wood half-way through sex? Ask him what he wants, what will keep him going? So, he/she won’t go down on you? Tell him/her that you love getting off that way. If they don’t listen, well honey baby…there are plenty of fish in the sea. Sexier fish, fish that give oral copiously. That is the kind of advice I would have loved to heard ten years ago.

Love always,
Y.

P.S. If you ever do a whole feature on prostate massage, you will redeem yourself.
P.P.S. I’m available to write a column. Anytime. Bring it.