Guest Post: Doing Hard Time Without Committing a Crime: The Secrets to a Long Marriage. by Tracey Scharmann

All this talk about the early release of prisoners got me thinking about doing time and sentencing. Which got me thinking about one of my favorite comedians, George Carlin, who said; “I am” is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that “I do” is the longest?

‘Marriage is a man made prison’ –Seinfeld

The tiniest aggravations are magnified when having to compromise on a continual basis with someone. Like whether the toilet paper roll is suppose to hang over or under the spool or the bigger things like who’s going to labor over the kids’ math homework or worse yet, monitor their Facebooks.

Just like in prison, in marriage, things can get ugly. My better half is a germ-a-phobe. For example, he’s sitting on the couch while I go outside to feed the cat. I pour the cat food and immediately go back to the computer. He calls to me, “Aren’t you going to wash your hands?”

“No, I didn’t touch the cat.”

“You’re disgusting.” Now, keep in mind that that is not where the argument began. It probably began hours earlier with me telling him that he’s disgusting for talking with his butt. Yes, my husband imitates Ace Ventura by moving his butt cheeks with his hands, (over his pants) and saying goofy shit in a funny voice while the kids feed his ass cornbread at the dinner table.

My response to him calling me disgusting, “You know what’s disgusting?” —- (cricket, cricket) — “Your toothbrush after I wash the toilet with it.”

I didn’t see his toothbrush for about the next two weeks. He took it everywhere with him in his traveling toothbrush holder (even put it in his truck when he did yard work).

Funny, sick, loco, sad, sweet. It’s all there. We’ve been together too long to not have encountered a ton of it. We’re coming up on twenty-one years. I wanted to have a three times the seven-year itch party, but he thinks it’s bad luck. So doing all this time, got me thinking. How do people stay married? Here’s what I came up with. Remember advice is worth what you pay for it:

My better half’s anonymity has been protected since he did not agree with my marriage longevity tips.

Marriage longevity tip #1: Never stop scheming with your significant other. Sometimes 20,000 hard earned points is worth a nooner at the Clovis Marriott Courtyard. Just don’t let your significant other use your iPhone to call his boss and tell him he’s held up in traffic if he DOESN’T know the circle on the iPhone does NOT hang it up. We noticed the phone wasn’t hung up 2:01 minutes into the voicemail we were recording (thank goodness, it was all PG-13 up to then). His boss never said whether he listened to the entire two-minute message, but he now flashes me a wicked smile.

Marriage longevity tip #2: Don’t leave. Stick to the devil (or the deviless) you know.

Marriage longevity tip #3: I know at work one “Agghh shit” takes away ten “Attaboys,” but it can’t work that way at home. Criticize less and praise more.

Marriage longevity tip #4: Spend more time in the same time zone. Or maybe the opposite of that —I’m not sure yet.

Marriage longevity tip #5: Don’t ask your spouse, “Tell me something about you that I don’t know.” This tip should convert to a rule the longer you’ve known each other. Sometimes what you don’t know can’t hurt you and it’s best to not know his “go to” girl.

Marriage longevity tip #6: Never wanting to leave each other at the SAME time.

Marriage longevity tip #7: Postpone having children as long as possible. If you wait until your sixties, they can’t move back in.

Marriage longevity tip #8: Stay +/- 20 lbs. your marriage date weight. Exceptions: Pregnancy or living 10 miles within fave restaurant.

You gotta keep having fun. Monogamy doesn’t have to be like monotony. Which brings me to rule #9. Keep the fun at two. Many men fantasize about a threesome. While as a woman, the last thing on my mind is one more person to do. A threesome could never work out with someone you love because if it’s good, you want more and if it’s bad, it’s always there, like a third nipple that just doesn’t belong.

According to the gospel of Chris Rock, a man is only as faithful as his opportunities. Marriage longevity tip #10: Never let him (or her) leave on a road trip fully loaded. Unload the gun or pick the flower before parting.

Maybe staying married is just as simple as good timing. Maybe when I was driving him nuts, there just wasn’t a big-boobed, young blonde, giving him goo-goo eyes at the office. Or maybe when he was driving me batty, the guy that always laughs at my jokes and tells me what great shape I’m in wasn’t in my class.

Maybe you just gotta keep putting yourself out there.

Maybe it’s just emailing a link to a song that reminds you of him, like “Stolen” by Dashboard Confessional. Or remembering her favorite candy bar or better yet, NOT reminding her that she forgot yours.

Maybe it’s joining him in a game of Black Ops and working the mic so all the other players think a chick is blowing their brains out.

Maybe it’s laughing when you should be crying or staying sober when you should be drinking or visa versa.

I’m pretty sure it’s not dropping a deuce and calling her in to take a peak. But it IS plunging the toilet when it gets clogged up at the Hilton Hawaiian Village so the bellboy doesn’t have to see the swirly she left in there.

Marriage Longevity Tip #11: The best things come fast. Many great songs were written in a few minutes (AC/DC’s ‘You Shook Me All Night Long’ for example). The only exception to this rule may be foreplay.

I used to think the best way to stay married was to postpone it as long as possible, but when you find what you want — and delay immediate gratification for a bit — you might as well keep what you want and make it legit (but don’t tell my kids I wrote that, cuz I’m still not sure).

@TraceyScharmann was still married at the time of this posting.

A word from Y: I kept reading Tracey’s tips via twitter and asked her to do this post. It’s inspiring because it is realistic. Tracey makes my twitter feed more LOL-worthy because she is always dropping some funnies. Why all the guest posts lately? Well, I’ve got a brand new job, babies! With this new job means 12 hour workdays and 6 day work weeks for a little while because the store is SO new and we are working the kinks out. With that it pains me to announce that my 2 year blogiversary party is cancelled–for now. Hopefully we’ll get to re-plan it when I am not working so damn hard and it isn’t so damn hot. For now, keep your eye out for some new guest posts and also a BIG announcement in the next month or so regarding the future of T&G!