COMO ESTAN, BITCHES!?
Just kidding, I know it has been a really long time since I’ve written a blog! I got a new job and with that new job came a crazy work schedule in order to get the store open and running smoothly. I worked a lot of 10-12 hour days that were just…horrendous. Now that the dust has literally settled and I have some kind of semblance of a normal schedule I need to get back to blogging regularly! I loved having the guest blogs, though! I got some really great stuff from Gina and Tracey! Hopefully, there will be a couple others very soon; if YOU want to write a guest blog just shoot me a tweet or email (titsandgigglesblog@gmail.com) and we will work it out!
Obviously as previously stated I work in retail. If you have ever worked in retail you know the horrifying and often comedic things you see on a daily basis. Now, I know I wrote that whole big what-not-to-wear post about how those sweat pant outfits are awful and make you look like you shit your pants…but this is a whole NEW beast.
I am not easily offended. Really? I write a blog called Tits & Giggles…of course I am not easily offended. However, I saw a girl at work wearing this shirt:
“I HAVE THE PUSSY , SO I MAKE THE RULES!”
This isn’t funny/cute/sexy/attractive/ladylike etc, etc, etc. Need I go on? This display of crudeness just made me think about how some women misconstrue self-respect. Sure you might have the pussy, and hey, you might also make the rules…but when you wear crude-ass shirts you only make those rules invalid. If you want to be a smart woman and make the rules, do not make yourself look stupid by wearing ignorant and vulgar t-shirts. This chick got kicked out of a court room for wearing the t-shirt! Smart move, judge.
Guys wear stupid shirts too…and just because they’re guys does not make it okay. I saw a guy in a shirt that said “I may not be Mr. Right, but I’ll fuck you anyway!” he got kicked out of the department store I worked in at the time. Smart move, security! If my boyfriend had one of those lame ass shirts, I’d dump him. That is a DEAL BREAKER. Once again, wearing those kind of shirts negates anything you have going for yourself.
Make smart decisions…don’t wear stupid t-shirts.
All this talk about the early release of prisoners got me thinking about doing time and sentencing. Which got me thinking about one of my favorite comedians, George Carlin, who said; “I am” is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that “I do” is the longest?
‘Marriage is a man made prison’ –Seinfeld
The tiniest aggravations are magnified when having to compromise on a continual basis with someone. Like whether the toilet paper roll is suppose to hang over or under the spool or the bigger things like who’s going to labor over the kids’ math homework or worse yet, monitor their Facebooks.
Just like in prison, in marriage, things can get ugly. My better half is a germ-a-phobe. For example, he’s sitting on the couch while I go outside to feed the cat. I pour the cat food and immediately go back to the computer. He calls to me, “Aren’t you going to wash your hands?”
“No, I didn’t touch the cat.”
“You’re disgusting.” Now, keep in mind that that is not where the argument began. It probably began hours earlier with me telling him that he’s disgusting for talking with his butt. Yes, my husband imitates Ace Ventura by moving his butt cheeks with his hands, (over his pants) and saying goofy shit in a funny voice while the kids feed his ass cornbread at the dinner table.
My response to him calling me disgusting, “You know what’s disgusting?” —- (cricket, cricket) — “Your toothbrush after I wash the toilet with it.”
I didn’t see his toothbrush for about the next two weeks. He took it everywhere with him in his traveling toothbrush holder (even put it in his truck when he did yard work).
Funny, sick, loco, sad, sweet. It’s all there. We’ve been together too long to not have encountered a ton of it. We’re coming up on twenty-one years. I wanted to have a three times the seven-year itch party, but he thinks it’s bad luck. So doing all this time, got me thinking. How do people stay married? Here’s what I came up with. Remember advice is worth what you pay for it:
My better half’s anonymity has been protected since he did not agree with my marriage longevity tips.
Marriage longevity tip #1: Never stop scheming with your significant other. Sometimes 20,000 hard earned points is worth a nooner at the Clovis Marriott Courtyard. Just don’t let your significant other use your iPhone to call his boss and tell him he’s held up in traffic if he DOESN’T know the circle on the iPhone does NOT hang it up. We noticed the phone wasn’t hung up 2:01 minutes into the voicemail we were recording (thank goodness, it was all PG-13 up to then). His boss never said whether he listened to the entire two-minute message, but he now flashes me a wicked smile.
Marriage longevity tip #2: Don’t leave. Stick to the devil (or the deviless) you know.
Marriage longevity tip #3: I know at work one “Agghh shit” takes away ten “Attaboys,” but it can’t work that way at home. Criticize less and praise more.
Marriage longevity tip #4: Spend more time in the same time zone. Or maybe the opposite of that —I’m not sure yet.
Marriage longevity tip #5: Don’t ask your spouse, “Tell me something about you that I don’t know.” This tip should convert to a rule the longer you’ve known each other. Sometimes what you don’t know can’t hurt you and it’s best to not know his “go to” girl.
Marriage longevity tip #6: Never wanting to leave each other at the SAME time.
Marriage longevity tip #7: Postpone having children as long as possible. If you wait until your sixties, they can’t move back in.
Marriage longevity tip #8: Stay +/- 20 lbs. your marriage date weight. Exceptions: Pregnancy or living 10 miles within fave restaurant.
You gotta keep having fun. Monogamy doesn’t have to be like monotony. Which brings me to rule #9. Keep the fun at two. Many men fantasize about a threesome. While as a woman, the last thing on my mind is one more person to do. A threesome could never work out with someone you love because if it’s good, you want more and if it’s bad, it’s always there, like a third nipple that just doesn’t belong.
According to the gospel of Chris Rock, a man is only as faithful as his opportunities. Marriage longevity tip #10: Never let him (or her) leave on a road trip fully loaded. Unload the gun or pick the flower before parting.
Maybe staying married is just as simple as good timing. Maybe when I was driving him nuts, there just wasn’t a big-boobed, young blonde, giving him goo-goo eyes at the office. Or maybe when he was driving me batty, the guy that always laughs at my jokes and tells me what great shape I’m in wasn’t in my class.
Maybe you just gotta keep putting yourself out there.
Maybe it’s just emailing a link to a song that reminds you of him, like “Stolen” by Dashboard Confessional. Or remembering her favorite candy bar or better yet, NOT reminding her that she forgot yours.
Maybe it’s joining him in a game of Black Ops and working the mic so all the other players think a chick is blowing their brains out.
Maybe it’s laughing when you should be crying or staying sober when you should be drinking or visa versa.
I’m pretty sure it’s not dropping a deuce and calling her in to take a peak. But it IS plunging the toilet when it gets clogged up at the Hilton Hawaiian Village so the bellboy doesn’t have to see the swirly she left in there.
Marriage Longevity Tip #11: The best things come fast. Many great songs were written in a few minutes (AC/DC’s ‘You Shook Me All Night Long’ for example). The only exception to this rule may be foreplay.
I used to think the best way to stay married was to postpone it as long as possible, but when you find what you want — and delay immediate gratification for a bit — you might as well keep what you want and make it legit (but don’t tell my kids I wrote that, cuz I’m still not sure).
A word from Y: I kept reading Tracey’s tips via twitter and asked her to do this post. It’s inspiring because it is realistic. Tracey makes my twitter feed more LOL-worthy because she is always dropping some funnies. Why all the guest posts lately? Well, I’ve got a brand new job, babies! With this new job means 12 hour workdays and 6 day work weeks for a little while because the store is SO new and we are working the kinks out. With that it pains me to announce that my 2 year blogiversary party is cancelled–for now. Hopefully we’ll get to re-plan it when I am not working so damn hard and it isn’t so damn hot. For now, keep your eye out for some new guest posts and also a BIG announcement in the next month or so regarding the future of T&G!
Every week Gina posts quotes from all over the board…overheard exchanges, tweets, crazy shit taken out of context. It’s pretty much the most hilarious thing you will read on Fridays. I asked her to do a guest post for T&G collecting perverted/sexual/hilarious quotes she comes across. Boy howdy, did she come through!
“My friend and I came across a gigantic one-volume encyclopedia in third grade. We looked up every dirty word we knew, including s-e-x. A substitute teacher caught us and just said, ‘It can be a beautiful thing.’ We were very surprised because she was usually no-nonsense.”
“If sex doesn’t scare the cat, you’re not doing it right.”
“I don’t need a magazine. All I need is a damn mirror.”
“Sexual intercourse is kicking death in the ass while singing.”
“Did you know? Lewis Carroll took nude photographs of kids. On a separate note, in Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland there’s a fair bit of squeezing through tiny holes.”
“Some of the 1877 list of 39 signs of a masturbator: emaciation, colorless gums, boldness, and the use of large amounts of spices.”
“Everyone knows the only thing worse than chlamydia is Florida.”
“Sometimes when I’m depressed, I like to read Yahoo Answers–the section on Singles and Dating. Man there are some lame weirdos out there. They don’t know how to say no to mean boys and they certainly don’t know what the caps lock is for.”
“Dude, look at all these bruises. People are going to think you beat me. I’m just going to have to tell them we like it rough. There’s nothing wrong with rough sex unless…scratch that, there’s nothing wrong with rough sex!”
“Don’t put it on my neck. Don’t. Don’t. Don’t!! I can feel it I can feel it I can feel it! I can feeeeeeeel it!”
“Today I discovered that the shower is the only place you can spit mouthwash all over your boyfriend’s chest without looking like a complete whack job.”
“I went through this phase – Am I gay? Am I straight? And then I realized… I’m just slutty. Where’s my parade?”
Exchanges:
A: “If there are three beds in a dorm room, I’d pick the top bunk cos no one could see me jacking off. Wouldn’t you?”
B [without missing a, ahem, beat]: “Nope. Bunk beds shake.”
A: “Would you still love me if I had to get a mastectomy?”
B: “Of course I would!”
A: “I’d still give good head!”
B: “Yeah! Just don’t get throat cancer.”
(Gina is an ex hot librarian and current hot data analyst. She maintains two blogs that are hilarious observations on her surroundings: Pantyhose and Sneakers and If it were up to me…. Both of these blogs give me reason to maintain that I am living in the graphic novel/movie Ghost World, where most everyone is mostly stupid and only a select few have functioning brain cells and all their chromosomes. Gina is enthusiastic about dolls, unicorns, vegan food, and I’ve never seen her wear pants–just skirts/dresses. I admire her and she makes me nervous. Follow her on twitter at: )
So, what I’m a week late? Wanna fight about it? Didn’t think so! I’ve been at this whole sex/relationship blog thing for 2 years officially now. I’d say it’s working out really well now that I’ve begun to focus my efforts in one place. Overall, I’ve been blogging for something ridiculous like 10 years…and I have finally found my niche. I like to laugh; I like to talk about sex, relationships, and making people feel good about themselves. Much like my end of the year post there are people I’d like to thank for making this milestone possible:
–Chris Fierro (www.twitter.com/ninethirtytwo www.chrisfierroart.com): My boyfriend of seven years and the only dude that’s been able to deal with my ridiculous ideas, goals, and attitude. Thank you for being supportive and not strangling me in my sleep. I love you!
–Aurora Pringle (www.auroraarmijo.com): If it weren’t for this lady, this blog would still be one of those “Oh, hey…I should do that huh?” kind of thing that sits on the back burner for a long ass time. She is my partner in ideas, blogging, and Radical Self Love. Her input is invaluable and I don’t think I can thank her enough.
–Fresno Blogosphere: I really had no idea how many blogs came out of my city until about a year ago. Everyone I’ve met has been amazing and constantly makes me feel proud to be from Fresno. I know a lot of people talk endless amounts of shit about this city, but the arts/blogging communities here are strong and we have a lot of really great stuff going on. I love you all!
–Twitter: I have a tendency to talk a lot, if you’ve met me…you know that. I am a total motor-mouth, and twitter is my enabler. Lots of blog ideas come from twitter. Things have been brewing over at the T&G twitter account, but if you want something constant you can follow me at my regular account: @tigermouth
Lastly and most important I thank YOU! Yes, you! Reading this post…probably looking for porn links or boob pictures; you cheeky monkey! Thank you for making this blog what it is today. Keep reading, tell your friends; remember the enthusiasm you had when you first saw the 2 girls 1 cup video? Yeah…tell people like that, except I PROMISE I will never be that disgusting, hopefully just really damn funny.
1. It is all about YOU! No worrying about pleasing your partner, shaving your cho-cha, or even hoping that you actually come. It doesn’t matter if you use your hands, toys, or the shower head odds are that you WILL have an orgasm…unless of course you get distracted or interrupted. Also, when you have an orgasm your skin looks pretty and flushed…which is very attractive.
2. Masturbating promotes a healthy sex life. If you know what gets you to that toe curling-hip rocking-expletive screaming-big O then chances are you will be able to better communicate to your lover what it is you need them to do to recreate it.
3. For dudes: masturbating may help lower your risk of prostate cancer! That’s right, homies…do it for your health! Keep your juices flowing now so you can reduce your risk later on in life!
4. It is a cheap stress reliever! You might be broke and your job might totally suck…but if you can make yourself come in less than 2 minutes you’re a winner!
5. There’s always time to dilly your dally! You may not have time to go to the gym, balance your check book, cook a healthy meal, start that new art project, go to your Weight Watchers meetings or WHATEVER other shit you try so hard to squeeze in but never seem to fit…but you ALWAYS have time to rub one out. Do it before bed, in the shower/bath, after work, whenever you have time to get your jollies out please do it.
Really people, take the time this month to love yourself in the sexual sense this month for these reasons and more. You deserve an orgasm a day in May!
Dear Cosmopolitan Magazine,
Why do your sex tips suck so bad? Do you entice 17 year old aspiring journalist virgins to write them in hopes of maybe landing a job and becoming The Next Carrie Bradshaw? I mean, I don’t get it… I remember being inexperienced and buying your mag and thinking “Hot damn! I’m gonna learn some ground breaking, earth shaking, mind-blowing kinda shit!” Then, I’d just wish I’d have bought that extra bottle of nail polish or bag of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups instead.
How is it that every month on the cover with some untalented skank (Gaga excluded) you re-hash “THE 20 BEST SEX TIPS EVER!!!” and I just look at it and laugh to myself? The last time I bought a copy was when Lady Gaga was on the cover…and THAT was my motivation. Even the article that a “certified sex-educator” writes is super fucking lame. The questions being asked and topics discussed are issues I feel like my friends and I would have discussed ten years ago.
It all makes sense! The majority of your readership is between the ages of 18-24! HAH! I am not in this demographic anymore, but even when I was I still scoffed at your mag (However at 16-19 I was really into feminist politics…’nuff said) So, I guess when teen girls are done reading the Why Me’s? of Seventeen, Teen, etc. they graduate to Cosmo? So unfortunate that all these young minds are having their brains filled with your vanilla sex and relationship tips!
Instead of marketing: “THE BEST SEX TIPS!!” And “WHAT DO GUYS WANT IN BED!?” you should consider marketing: “GET WHAT YOU WANT IN BED!” Let’s face it…half these girls have never had an orgasm; and if they say they “think” they’ve had one…they haven’t. When it comes down to it sex is all about communicating your specific wants and needs to your partner. So, your bf/fuck buddy/flavor of the day loses wood half-way through sex? Ask him what he wants, what will keep him going? So, he/she won’t go down on you? Tell him/her that you love getting off that way. If they don’t listen, well honey baby…there are plenty of fish in the sea. Sexier fish, fish that give oral copiously. That is the kind of advice I would have loved to heard ten years ago.
Love always,
Y.
P.S. If you ever do a whole feature on prostate massage, you will redeem yourself.
P.P.S. I’m available to write a column. Anytime. Bring it.
Here’s a late night edition of Tits Tuesday!
Last night I participated in Creative Fresno’s Pecha Kucha vol. 10! The theme was Tasteful/Tasteless; let’s face it, friends: that’s my life story! I decided to talk about my little ol’ blog and what I consider to be sexy, tasteless (the sweat suit pants!), tasteful (self confidence!) and a little bit about why I am the way I am. Video was taken, and it is now on You Tube for your viewing pleasures:
I just want to preface this Tits Tuesday post by saying: I am a huge fan of Glee. Not only is it really quirky, but it takes on some heavy subjects: teen sexuality, teen pregnancy, etc. Last night I found out that Hustler did a Glee porn parody…and I am so fucking excited. Because of course I love porn and I love Glee so it’s kind of one of those “You got peanut butter in my chocolate!” situations (i.e. melding two of my fave things.)
The part that really gets me is that they sing…just like in the TV show. I found this:
I sent the link to my friend Mark who said “i got turned off when they don’t go for the high note at the end.” Yep, pretty much sums it up. But it’s totally hilarious…finding a real trailer that includes some of the sex scenes would definitely be awesome but my searches haven’t turned anything up.
There is talk of my best friend and I buying the dvd and having a viewing party (yes we have watched porn together, no it’s not like that.) After all, she did get me into the show…and we DID drive to LA recently to see Matthew Morrison perform at The Grove. I will definitely post a blog once I watch the whole thing!
It was during a 6th grade early summer history lecture when it happen to me. The classroom was dark, as we watched a slide show of some important historical figure. I, on the other hand was fixated at the boy of my dreams, my crush, my future walk me home after school escort, Zeng. That was his name. He had the shiniest black hair and always wore tshirts with the word “Guess” on it, this was a major sign of cool.
Zeng sat one row over and two seats ahead of where my desk was. I always had a great view. When the slide show began, he gave up, put his head down on his desk, defeated. I wanted so much to run my fingers through his hair and brush it for hours. I watched him fondled his hair, fan himself with his hands, then with his shirt by pulling it back and forth, rapidly away from his chest over and over.
That very action made my legs quiver and tingle. Instinctively, I crossed them. As I watched Zeng, I tangled my legs tighter and tighter with his every move. I felt the excess of my tucked shirt bunching up in my crotch area. Something was happening. The friction of that movement was new and addicting.
I crossed my legs as tight as I could and began to move them as a rhythmic unit. The sensation was overwhelming. I moved faster and faster, automatically my right hand pushed into my crotch, while my left had held onto the desk. I remember feeling an intense burning between my legs only to be relieved moments later by an outburst of pure pleasure. With Zeng as my focus the entire time. In this way, I welcomed my first sexual experience. My first masturbation act. My first orgasm. Of course at the time, I had no idea what I was doing, I was 12. I didn’t really have sex education until a year later and by then, I was already a proficient in masturbating.
Needless to say, I’ve been getting myself off ever since. Whether it be with toys or partners.
Masturbating is criminally underrated. Especially for women. Some of my best orgasms has been a result of this healthy self-sex act. The first step in being a responsible sexually active person is the importance of knowing your own body, what you like and how to get yourself off. Masturbating actually has helped in allowing myself to be more open with my partners. Once you know or have seen how your partner best gets off, it’ll only lead to better intercourse and exploration. And who doesn’t enjoy that!
So dim the lights, grab your favorite accessories and masturbate together.
(Chojze Yang is an incredible lady. She teaches sex education to Hmong youth in Fresno, Ca. She believes in bacon, donuts, self-expression through karaoke, and Lelo sex toys. You can follow her on twitter: @Chojze or email her chojze@gmail.com)
So, what better way to oblige than to post this on my blog! I absolutely adore this band becausethey give me hope for the future of real rock and roll. The lead singer Justin Tranter is bringing glam back to rock and roll! This dude wears a full face of makeup, pantyhose, and high heels and rocks out like no other. Here’s a couple videos!
“I can’t pay my rent, but I’m fucking gorgeous!”
“I’ve been magnetic since I was a baby.”
You should give them a listen and buy their album You Love You! To SPW: TITSANDGIGGLES.COM LOVES YOU!
Tits and Giggles 